Snakes and Snails and Lizard Tails

I remember hearing Bill Cosby say once regarding kids, “I brought you into this world, I can take you out.” It was amusing and I laughed but boy was he wrong! You bring them in but if they are anything at all like mine they will take you out and the older they get the worse they are. Let me give you an example taken from my life one week ago.

My middle child lives in Texas and had not been home in over a year however he had been telling me since mid August that he was coming home for a lengthy stay, but as things usually are with Ryan, it had been one delay after another and then another and by mid October I still hadn’t seen him. On the last day of October, and the day before his 25th birthday, I got an email with one line. “I’m leaving as of 6 p.m". I had no idea if that was his time or my time but he said he was leaving and that was enough. He would be here on his birthday!

Ryan was not traveling alone; he was bringing his two cats (another little tale for later) and would be driving straight through. I expected him within 24 hours give or take an hour or two so I baked the traditional birthday pumpkin pies ( have I mentioned that this kid is different?), and waited and waited and waited and waited. By nine pm the day he was due to arrive I had not seen nor heard a word from him but still I waited. At 3 am the next morning I was walking the floors and crying. I had visited his comatose body in 4 hospitals between here and Dallas; and had attended two funerals in my head. I was in a mommy panic mode and there was no reprieve until he walked through the front door.

By 7 am I was unnerved, frantic and calling my mother to see if she or anyone at her house had heard from him. At 10 am his father called to see if I had received any word at all and that’s when the light came on over my head. I knew his whereabouts, I wasn’t sure where he exactly but I knew who he was with! So I told his dad to phone and ask a recent employee (and brother in law to one of Ryan’s oldest friends) for a phone number because my mommy ESP was in gear and Ryan was at Rickie’s and within 20 minutes dad had spoken with the wayward son and phoned to let me know that once again I was 100% correct, and that scatterbrained Ryan hadn’t changed a bit and was wondering why everyone was so upset.

You are probably thinking that this is where this tale ends. Mom is exhausted but relieved and wondering how hard to smack him upside his head after she hugs him. But Nooo, things are never simple in Diana-Land, because when it rains, it floods! So as Paul Harvey would say, “Now for the rest of the story…”

I was running on nerve by 4 pm, countless hours since I had slept and with the upset I couldn’t seem to wind down enough to rest so I decided to make dinner. I was in the kitchen puttering with pots when I heard my dog barking in my bedroom. So I peeked in to see what the fuss was and he was trying his best to get at something behind a mirror that was sitting on the floor leaning against the wall. Now my first thought was mouse!

I don’t like mice, when one comes to visit I move out but whatever it was back there Baxter had it cornered so I got up the very last nerve I had and was ready to make a run for it, as I cautiously pulled the mirror back so I could see and it wasn’t a mouse. Oh no, there was only part of something there and it was about 6 inches long and still wiggling. Damn! The very last thing I expected to find was a snake or the snake’s last 6 inches and the thing that was really on my mind was where the front of it was and what the hell was it doing in my bedroom in November and thus began Hysteria Part Deux!

My poor mom got another hysterical phone call and by the tone of her voice she was getting ready to have me fitted for a nice white jacket but she sent my nephew over to find the snake.Within 10 minutes he and one of his pals had come in, they were wearing these really odd looking headbands with lights on the front. When Josh saw the ‘tail’ he agreed that it was a snake. My question then was, do you think it has brothers and sisters in here too? But he said it was too big and was probably a yearling. Oh Goody, bigger! While he and his friend were looking, Ryan’s dad popped in. He had a look at the tail, then glanced under the bed and went into the kitchen for a beer. Well that was the end of the snake hunt because as soon as those guys with the lights on their heads heard the top pop off the beer, they lost all interest in the snake hunt and went in search of a buzz.

There they were, those mighty snake hunters, sitting in my kitchen, drinking beer and shooting the bull while I sat in my room with my feet on the chair. I started blubbering for the umpteenth time, but I wasn’t just crying, I was accusing each and every one of them of having scandalous relationships with their mothers and just as I was getting ready to get very vocal and in their face the prodigal son walked through the front door. As he walked by my room, he glanced in, waved, and proceeded to the kitchen where the rest of the reprobates were. But he came back, and began apologizing profusely because he obviously thought I was still blubbering over him but somehow I managed to tell him about the snake and show him the ‘tail’ and then he did something not very bright. He started laughing. The kid was risking his life at that moment and was granted a reprieve only when I heard him say, "Mom, calm down, it’s not a snake it’s a lizard. A lizard will drop its tail when threatened.” Then he pointed out how clean the ‘cut’ was and you know what? I calmed right down. I had burned dinner but who cared, I was able to breathe in deep breaths and had started to regain at least an appearance of sanity. The lost kid was finally home, the snake was not a snake but a lizard and all was finally right with the world.

Oh, and four days later, the lizard minus his tail made an appearance in the hallway.
May he rest in peace.